I just wanted to say upfront here, bearing my heart a little, that though I say in different ways here and there that Jesus Christ is important to me, and more so than the religion built around him, and though I would say that, at the very least, that Jesus is meaningful to me as a symbol of hope, and as some pure glimpse of what we are meant to be like, and also a true picture of what God is like, at least on some level, yet, at the same time, still, when it really comes down to it, I don't really feel like I have much connection with Jesus personally... granted, some parts of the gospels resonate with me, some parts of Jesus' story speak to me... whether everything is factual in the gospels I don't know... people debate about it left and right, but all I can say is some of what he said and did speaks to me, and other things don't, or even confuse or frustrate me, to be honest...
And if I'm honest, Jesus is really more of an idea to me, or an image in my mind, rather than a Teacher or a Friend whose presence I can sense or feel readily.
When I think of God I tend to think of God as a father, the kind of father I long to have, or maybe a great spirit, keeping me going, and always with me, wherever I may go, helping me, little by little, to learn and grow, to believe, to trust, to live, to love...
But where does Jesus fit in?
I remember when I was baptized years ago at the Baptist church that I only left about a year ago because of the path I've taken in the last couple years, when I was baptized one of the things I said was something like this: 'I know this has something to do with that Jesus guy.'
It was an honest, if ambiguous, statement, but I still stand by it.
There is something about Jesus that I can't put my finger on exactly, something more than his just being a symbol of hope or a prototype of what human beings can be or some ground level representation of what God is like, something, well...
I don't know.
All I know is I'd like to be a little closer to this Jesus, or at least to the Source from which this Jesus springs, then I am now, or feel that I am.
It's funny, I debate back and forth, try to encourage people, throw in my two cents here and there, ramble and rant about God and this and that as if I really had something worth saying, and people tell me how wise I am, or how gifted, or how spiritual, or how close to God I am, but sometimes, deep down, I feel kind of adrift, uncertain, even unanchored.
My faith in God, and in Jesus is, I admit, vague and on close inspection would be 'wishy-washy' in the eyes of some.
And I admit that my faith is based less on the Bible than on the undercurrent of longing and aching in my own heart, which I am always searching for an answer to, and hope to find in God and in Jesus, whatever or whoever they are, and my own personal life experience, which points me in the direction of believing and trusting that God and Jesus are the answer for me.
I feel that Jesus (if he really is with me, personally and not just as an idea or image in my head, and even when I can't feel it), would understand where I'm at in this, for some odd reason.